Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
