Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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