therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
