So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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