i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
