we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
