worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Are we still banned from the library?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
