Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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