She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize