ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
sex in a hospital.. check
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
