i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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