Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
