I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
