Jerry, you need to find god
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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