ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
