M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
