I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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