Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
