I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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