I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
