if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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