Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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