Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
