Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize