if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
