If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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