did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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