Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
