I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
how does that bad decision feel?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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