You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
