I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
