I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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