Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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