apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
