Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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