I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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