I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
