and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
COCAINE IS GR8
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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