did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
