Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
