i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize