Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
