I must be too annoying 4 u.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Never joke about your clitoris.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
