Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
