Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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