Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
