They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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