I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
