I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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