Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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