70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize