You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
