i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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