How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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