If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
